Friday, March 20, 2009

Remembering her First Fall

This was the letter i wrote to my six months old yena the day she fell from our bed. Reading this always brought me to tears. If you want to cry with me, go on reading...

Dearest Yena,

(baby yena, this is what i used to call you that made you always look around and smile. you would always smile just hearing my voice, by this i know that as much as i love you, you love me back no less!)

(i am writing this now preparing for the time you would ask me things, by details id trust my memory on that, i hope you can read it when you're older, and by that time spank me just to get even to your mommy, it's alright baby.. i know i deserve it!)

hi my baby!

as i am writing this, my eyes are shedding tears. even crying a river now will not changed what had happened last night. while i know that my tears are not an excuse for being so carefree less careless mother to you, please accept my deepest apology. what happened last night would be the last, this i assure you.

i cannot believe how it happened so fast. i was so careful all the time, and on that fateful split second i saw you on the floor. i will not forgive myself from hearing your wails so loud that it almost struck my heart and soul. i was so hurt seeing you in pain, i spent the night looking at you, quietly sobbing careful not to wake you up, embracing and smelling you.

your daddy and mamato was so angry at me and to what happened. but little did they know that i was angrier to myself. i am asking for forgiveness from you, to your dad and to your grandma but most of all i beg forgiveness to God for contemplating suicide right after what happened. i know, it will not change things, but i cannot bear to hear you cry and i be better dead than see you in pain..

baby, i love you so much. know that i will never allow anyone to hurt you and i am so idiot cause i was the one who hurt you that much the first time.

please forgive mommy, and please look back or look around again when you hear me call you.. 'baby'

love you 'til my lastest breath,
mommy

15 comments:

catalino Friday, March 20, 2009 8:48:00 AM  

alam mo natatawa ako while reading it.. alam mo kase it happens talaga.. tatlo na anak ko at sa ganyang edad nahulog sila lahat sa bed.. sa panganay, nahulog sya when he was about 7 months.. ang nakakatawa e gising kame parehas at kaharap kame.. how stupid di ba.. buti dun sa second namin nasa mattress lang kame walang kama.. so hindi sya nahulog.. then on our youngest ganun din mga 6 months sya.. nauna sya nagising sa akin at alam mo ba na naramdaman ko pa sya na gumapang sa paanan ko before sya mahulog.. after that incident ilang gabi din ako hindi makatulog at nag aalala sa kanya.. same thing happened with my sis.. ung anak nya na mga 6 or 7 months nahulog din sa kama.. ang nangyari sa sobrang takot ng mga lola pina ct scan..

hay naku mahirap talaga maging mommy no.. pag nasasaktan mga kids natin mas nasasaktan tayo..

Make or Break

Mom of Four Friday, March 20, 2009 10:38:00 AM  

Mare ko? wlaang batang di nahuhulgo sa kama. Si Ale ko ako mismo may hawag sa knya nahulog saiya, di ko alam kung panong nangyari. nakatulog akong kandong ko siya, nagising na lang ako nasa sahig na siya nakabalukol at naipit ang katawan sa couch at exercise bike ko.
Di lang ikaw ang nakahulog ng anak. Lahat yata ng anak ko, di nakaligtas sa pagkahulog, lahat sila, in front of my eyes. Accidents happen without warning. Don't blame yourself.

pehpot Friday, March 20, 2009 11:14:00 AM  

ay toinks! maling account nagcomment LOL

Make or Break

dhemz Friday, March 20, 2009 3:04:00 PM  

kakaloka ka naman ganda...nobody is a perfect...with that said no mom is perfect...I know your just being overprotective with Yena...too bad it happens ganda...don;t blame yourself and think of negative ways...those are not good solution...you make it worst if you think of suicide...my goodness...hehehhe!

Akesha had experienced that too...I think many times...sometimes it's our fault or sometimes she just fell by herself....this is not the only incident ganda...expect more as she grow up...:)

I am proud of you for being a good mom...but sometimes you need to learn to use the so called "tough love"....that's normal ok? so next time don't get fuzzy...hehhe...kisses kay Yena...:)

Beng Friday, March 20, 2009 3:39:00 PM  

it really happens! mas maganda nga daw yung di mo nakita, kasi their guardian angel will keep them safe:)

Mary Ann Moreno-binuya Friday, March 20, 2009 4:47:00 PM  

it's normal part of their grow up, kahit iwasan mo nangyayari talaga. Wag ka nang mag-isip ng suicide...my God....mababang reason yan for that. Be a tough mom. God bless!

ghieGANDA Friday, March 20, 2009 5:36:00 PM  

oh sad that it happened. pero mukang d ata nawawala un. hehe. d ko sure, got no child yet. anyway it taught u something. just so sad that it had to happen. don't be too harsh on yourself. u didn't want it to happen.

im so proud of u for being such a good mom. sana ako din someday. heheh..

tahan kana. lol. =)

Dee Friday, March 20, 2009 7:45:00 PM  

This is such a moving letter, Niko. Na touch ako. Nicely done.

I understand how you feel. But things like that happen sometimes, so don't berate yourself too much. Just take it easy.

Enchie Friday, March 20, 2009 10:09:00 PM  

Sabi nga ng iba, hindi kumpleto ang paglaki ng bata hanggat hindi nakakaranas ng nahuhulog. I understand the instant feeling when you hear your child cry. It really hurts. Don't worry sis,lilipas din.

Mummy Gwen Friday, March 20, 2009 11:14:00 PM  

Dear Niko ganda, it happened to Gwen before not once but twice. I was angry at myself too and I definitely learn from my mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself. No mistakes next time ok. :)

amiable amy Saturday, March 21, 2009 1:15:00 AM  

wawa naman ni baby Yena but, talaga nga yata ganyan nangyayari kasi my mother said, I fell on the bed too when I was an infant, buti nalang mataba ako eh hehehe

when Yena will grow up and she reads this post, she will understand girl

Cecile Saturday, March 21, 2009 12:40:00 PM  

that happens with Jacob too. it just happened and i don't know how. i blamed myself, but ganyan yata talaga eh, and don't blame yourself so much or even think of committing suicide....masama yan! it is an accident and nobody wants their baby to fall or get hurt dear.

cheer up na dear, okay naman na yata si Yena eh....am sure when she reads this someday she will understand...and still love you just the same!

Cookie Saturday, March 21, 2009 11:19:00 PM  

di talaga ito maiwasan. kaya nga kami, when chloe learned how to turn her tummy na, we remove the frame of our bed at nasa floor na talaga yung foam namin - until now, hehe.
I'm sure yena will understand this at talagang touching naman yung ginawa mo.

Clarissa Monday, March 23, 2009 11:16:00 AM  

mommy niko!!lahat yata ng bata eh nahuhulog sa kama!!lahat yata ng bata ay may experience nito!but what you feel is just normal-- to get worried just like any mommies do.accident happens...

fedhz Monday, March 30, 2009 9:10:00 PM  

yeah.. right after my baby fell from the chair, sinulat ko agad sa mylot. alam mo un.. parang humihingi ako ng sorry sa kanya at sa lahat ng tao. tingin kase sayo bad mommy ka. pero di nila alam yun dahil hindi sila Mommy. ^^

by the way, I love your posts. add kita sa blogroll ko hehe

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